Thursday, January 5, 2012
Friday, August 27, 2010
Monday, May 25, 2009
My 14 year old son keeps trying to talk to me about video games which I've never played, and I told him if he wanted to have a conversation with me he should read some literature and not grow up an illiterate heathen. He retorted that video games have potential to be a whole new art form and people just don't realize or appreciate it.
We wound up with a compromise wherein I am going to play some video games, and he is going to read some Shakespeare plays. He has already read "Romeo and Juliet" in school, but I am trying to figure out what else he should read and in what order. I was thinking a comedy next...he has seen the movies for "Midsummer Night's Dream" and "Much Ado About Nothing." Any suggestions?
WORLD'S GREATEST DAD RESPONDS:
Shakespeare?!?!? why don’t you just send the kid to
Meanwhile, everybody knows that Romeo & Juliet drives teens to suicide and endorses the non-honoring of thy Mother and Father. Compared to that, i'd much rather have the kid pretending to be an Italian plumber driving around in go-kart made out of mushrooms.
As for the video games, at least he can plug in his headphones to the TV and completely isolate himself from the world. With any luck, he'll become a nerd. That's win/win: he'll make more money in the long run and also, being a nerd, he's less likely to have parties at your house or knock up some tart.
Let the kid play his bloody eyeball games, for God’s sake.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
advice for the Bachelor who one day hopes to obliviate all sense of joy, fulfillment, and other selfish desires
Here's a new section of my column dedicated to the Bachelor's out there. I call it the Bachelor's Almanac.
i don't care what the "calendar" says: it is Spring already. do you know how i know this? the girls are smiling more, giggling more, etc -- and they all already are looking great. All of them. Every goddamn one.
make your rebukes more playful;
try to make your appearance on the scene signify excitement/rescue;
increase the use of charged words/phrases, e.g.
"this will be our little secret"
"get on top of"
FOR THE MARRIED GUYS OUT THERE WHO HAVE STAYED WITH ME ON THIS ONE:
Saturday is Valentines Day, dumbass. so even if you think the little lady "doesn't care about valentine's day," you better at least remember and get her something, even though you both clearly and repeatedly agreed that you weren't going to get each other gifts. This is one of those rare cases when she said "no" but she meant "if you don't at least pretend to fawn all over my feet on February 14th i will be convincedin my fear that i am fat and unloveable, and that the only way to address this truth is to make you miserable and/or seek out the affections of someone more sensitive, e.g. the football coach at the local high school, or, even better, one of the running backs."
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Dear World's Greatest Dad,
Q: My son's sixth birthday is coming up, and i promised him we could have a birthday party at the local skating rink. But, because times are so tight, i'm realizing i cant quite afford to pay for the tickets, the food, and the presents -- plus food for the parents. Do you have any ideas about where i could take the little guy for a good time without breaking the bank?
--Skate-less in Seattle
World's Greatest Dad answers:
I certainly know times can be tough-- especially since my wife has yet to see how hard it is to pay for the mortgage on my former house as well as this tiny, uncomfortable one-bedroom apartment where i'm staying while we work things out.
So I vote for Arby's for dinner: Five roast beef sandwiches for $5 !! For that price you could get like 45 of those things and pile them up on the table, and the kids don't even have to use their hands!
Of course some of my readers may prefer the Market Fresh sandwich "wraps" -- they're so fun -- or maybe you're a dyed-in-the-wool "sidekickers" man. i mean, who can resist the Loaded Potato Bites with Cool Ranch sour Cream? I know my little guy loves 'em when i come by for a visit!
(Son, there's no one with whom i'd rather eat Onion Petals with tangy "Southwestern" sauce than you-- no one!)
i think what i'm trying to say here is that, no matter which of the delicious treats you prefer, Arby's is the best restaurant ever, and that you would be CRAZY if we went anywhere else.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Son, no matter what, you need to remember that your mother and your father (but especially your father) love you unconditionally, no matter what state i rent this dingy apartment in. While the old man did have to make certain sacrifices due to your bursting on the scene like the got-damn Blitz over London, i will always consider my fatherly duty to be one of the three or four most important of my many, many responsibilities.
MEANWHILE, ol' Oprah Winifred has apparently lost her mind and posted an article about a woman who is happy that her husband is going away for a week and they don't have to do "everything" together-- and she specifically mentions shopping and watching chick flicks!
The CNN-dot-com lists the following bullet points as story "highlights":
- Wife celebrates when beloved husband of 32 years leaves for few days
- Says they trust each other and no longer have anything to prove
- She doesn't understand couples who do everything together
- Knows hubby will leave lights, TV on, dog on bed while she's gone
Did you catch that one, Honey? The wife is GLAD tha the husband left the TV on, and no longer requires him to attend to her every desire like some eunuch with a palm-frond. I'm not sure how that counts as a parenting question, but the mysteries of women are many and mysterious!
As far as Oprah is concerned, let me just shout out a big "you go girl," or whatever it is that they say!
Follow this strangely colored text to read the whole thing!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
..WHO IS DESCRIBED BY MY SON AS HIS "HERO" [DESPITE HAVING A SEMI-COMPROMISED STATE OF MANHOOD] AND WHO INSPIRES UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS IN SENSITIVE KIDS LIKE MY SON WHO IS MY BEST FRIEND AND WHO ISN'T ABLE TO DISTINGUISH REALITY FROM DRUG-ADDLED ROBOTMEN:
[re: "...the 36-year-old would race with the Astana team, taking no salary or bonuses, and post results of all anti-doping blood tests online in an effort to "prove he is a clean athlete."]
give somebody else
a chance to be
for a change,